Just Us

Just Us

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

October

It's been a very very long time since I've blogged... But, as always, when I get stressed, I want to write it down. I need to purge it. So here it goes. 

October has sucked. I need October to be over. In my mind, everything will be fine once October is over. I've always believed that whatever vibe you put out into the universe is the vibe you get back. So of course because I was already not looking forward to October it decided to give me an extra little kick. 

October 24th was my due date (see here for previous post). I remember this because it's Danielle's birthday (love you Dani!). I would have had the baby some time in October. The ectopic was sad. It was hard. I told multiple people that I just don't know if I can do an ectopic or miscarriage again.

I'd been on Clomid for 4 months and that's as long as my doctor wanted me on it before I took a break. It was month 4 and I was tired. I was tired of the emotional toll. I was tired of getting sad and tired of getting my hopes up and tired of out of control emotions. I was tired of worrying about catching a pregnancy early because it could be ectopic. I was ready for a break. 

I took my last dose of Clomid and I had a carefree month. I wasn't worried about getting pregnant, odds seemed to be against me. I told myself that, hey, at least I didn't have to worry about it being ectopic. And I REALLY enjoyed my time with Heston. We wrestled and he jumped on me and we played on the tramp and we wrestled with cousins. I stopped worrying about lifting too much or getting hit in the stomach. I stopped tracking every. freaking. time. we had sex. I had a great month. 

Then the freaking stick gave me 2 lines. Positive. All of the worry came flooding back. But it wasn't positive after 3 minutes (the allotted time) it was positive after 5. That was a Sunday.
So the next day I took another; negative. I cried. 
Wednesday I took another; Negative. 

Wednesday afternoon I called the doctor for a consult. I just wanted to let them know I'd reached the end of my prescription and wanted to confirm that I had to take a break at that point. She said, "OK, so you're on your period now?"... uhh.. well no. So I told her about my week and said so it must have just been a false positive. The doctor wanted me to get a blood test anyway. So that night after work I got a blood test.

Thursday morning the doctors office called me. It was positive. But my levels were low. They worried it was another Ectopic. I was to go back for another blood test on Tuesday. I called Casey... mildly panicked. I was shaking and nervous. He was calm and perfect (per-usual). 

2 hours later I started spotting. I knew. I knew what this meant. I was a miscarrying. I started crying at work (embarrassing) and left. I called Casey in tears and told him I was going home. He said he'd meet me there. I called the doctor's office. They also thought I was miscarrying but were hopeful I wasn't and put me on "Pelvic Rest". I sobbed. I broke down. When Casey got home 20 minutes after I did I was numb. He tried to get me to eat and then he took me to bed and we cuddled. 

Then the cramping started. It hurt. Not ectopic bad but to the point that drugs only dulled it. Last time I miscarried it was just like a normal period. This sucked. 

But you know what? I survived. I had said multiple times that "I don't think I'll be able to do it again. I just don't think I'd be okay." Well, Casey still made me laugh, Heston still made my heart warm, and my dogs still drove me crazy with their love. Life went on. Smiling was harder. Casey was the only thing that made things better... I became a bit clingy... I wanted to be with him all the time and touching him all the time. I'm not that type of person so I quickly got myself out of that. I still have my Fallopian tube and I can get pregnant. 

The next Weekend we had my parents watch Heston so we could have a hot date night. I puked ALL NIGHT. 20 minutes after we left my parents house it started. It made for a super sexy date night.

Our stove broke. The front just fell right off. 

Our car broke down (on my "due date", October 24th). We now have a new car. 

Is October over yet???? 

On the plus side, on October 24th, her birthday, Dani got engaged! so that was awesome! and even though I had to work a Saturday, the Scholarship Ball went well and we only had one crazy thing happen. I did have Governor Herbert's security guard kill a monster spider for me though. 

For the next 3 months I'm taking a break from fertility. November is going to be amazing. I'm almost sure of it. 


4 comments:

lexi magnusson said...

Oh Leslie I'm so so so sorry. That is a pain that I can't even imagine. I've had miscarriages, but they never were after trying so hard for so long. I'm just so sorry. That is an all around awful month.

I love you to pieces. I'm so glad lance got to see you yesterday. He went on and on about how great it was.

I'm here if you need someone to tell you it's okay to be pissed off and to lovingly stain your brain with awful stories.

Michael and Cassie said...

I'm so sorry les! The pain (emotional and physical) is almost unbearable but it does get better! I hope you're feeling a little better! Love you guys so much!

Travis and Alison Jarrett said...

:( I hate this. I hate that you have been going through this. I am with you, it is October's fault and November is going to be awesome!! At least you got to go to a ball (with another woman!), so that is kinda cool. Love you best friend :)

The Normans said...

Thinking of you Leslie!!