Ectopic (*Warning*: some graphic content)

I haven't been sleeping. I'm hoping if I get some feelings out. I'll sleep and my mind will shut up.
Saturday, Two weeks ago, after a year on fertility meds, I got two pink lines. I didn't believe it. I didn't want to get my hopes up. So the next day I did another one. A few days later I did another one. finally by Tuesday I was starting to believe, starting to get excited. After all, I had proof. I even took a picture of

Every.

Single.

 One.

I was still trying to be reserved. But lets me honest I was already thinking about the new room decor and hoping it was a brother for Heston.
Thursday night I got a stomach ache. The stomach ache turned to cramping and by 8 o'clock I was in bed because the cramps were mildly severe. I wasn't too worried. I had some cramping with Heston that hurt too. But then the pain moved to my right hip. The pressure and cramping was so bad that by 10 o'clock I was throwing up. I'm still amazed that I made it to the toilet, I was basically delirious at this point. At 11:15 after throwing up some more, I started to spot. That's when I woke Casey up and told him it was time to go to the doctor. My fear of being a wuss was overshadowed by the fear that I would a miss a chance for the doctor to save my baby. I have never felt pain like that.
Casey woke Heston and off we went to the ER. It was the longest drive of my life. The ER check in, after hearing that it was my hip that hurt, kept asking me if I'd "had a fall" I can't even count how many times they asked me that. Followed by "are you sure?". Luckily the pain masked my sarcasm as I answered. 20 minutes later  they hooked me to an IV and got Morphine in me. This numbed the pain so I wasn't writhing but I still wasn't comfortable. Then we sat. And sat some more.

Heston is the best kid in the world. He had been Diagnosed with Croup earlier that day. He never cried, never whined, and just sat happily on Casey's lap.
They then took me back for an ultrasound. I won't go into detail about this because you wouldn't enjoy it. All I'll say is, Ouch. This did not help the pain. This accentuated every bit of pressure I was already feeling. The ultrasound tech had said that he would give the results to the Doctor, however when he called someone in the middle that was my first red flag. Then, between groans and gritting my teeth, I could hear some of his whispered words "urgent.... Obstruction..." As we were leaving they said they'd get the images printed and the doctor would be in in a half-hour to 45 minutes.
I asked for water and they said "we can't give you any, just in case you need surgery" That was red-flag #2. Casey was quick to reassure me that it was just a precaution and I wouldn't need surgery. To which I responded. "I hope it's not an ectopic pregnancy. Those have always scared me."
The nurse came in to my room as soon as we got back and said "the doctor told me you may need more morphine, lets get you a little more comfortable." This was red flag #3. My pain was dulled to a point where  only a flair up made me cringe.
The doctor came in at 3 and said the dreaded words "it looks like it's a tubal pregnancy" I managed to stay logical as he explained it could be just a cyst that had burst. I was so early in my pregnancy, 5 weeks, that my tube shouldn't have burst, I shouldn't be in pain yet. So he recommended exploratory surgery. fine. After he left I let myself cry for about a minute before I shook it off because  I was making the nurse who came to get my personal info uncomfortable. Casey held my hand the whole time. I was so sick of answering the question "How many pregnancies is  this for you?". Answer; "3. One miscarriage, my little boy, and now this." That sentence is forever on repeat in my head.
This is going on too long so here's the short version: I went in to surgery at 4. at 5:30 they went to the waiting room and told Casey my tube hadn't burst, it had pushed out the pregnancy and the pain was coming from blood and blood clots on my pelvis. they sucked it all out. they then gave Casey 3 options:
1- give me a shot of methotrexate and flush everything out of my system. However, there was fluid in my uterus that was possibly a second fetus. If it was, that would go too.
2- Remove my Fallopian tube. This would be the safest bet.
3- Wait a few days and test to see if my HCG levels rose. this would tell us if I was pregnant in either my uterus OR my tube. If they went up I'd have to be closely monitored. If they went down then I could get the shot. This way covered my bases but I was at risk of my tube rupturing.

They gave us pictures. The red thing is my "highly inflamed" fallopian tube

Casey chose option 3 and then worried for the next 3 days that it would rupture and his decision would kill me.
His choice was perfect. My levels went down and on Monday I received the Methotrexate shot. No big deal except in large doses its a Chemotherapy treatment and so I had to go to the IV Therapy place in the hospital in order to get it. Monday I was bitter and angry with all of the happy would be mothers at the doctors office. then I ended up in a waiting room with Cancer patients. That really slapped me back into perspective.
I was sick, puking, and cramping hard all day Tuesday. It sucked.
Thursday I called my regular OB to see if I needed to come in and when I could start my fertility meds again. They told me I couldn't even start to try for three months. ( I won't go in to detail on this but if you're reading this, and have questions, feel free to contact me.)
Three months.
It's already been a year of every month hoping and being let down. Three months isn't a long time. I know that. It feels like a lifetime.
I cried. I sobbed. That's how Casey found me. He climbed in to bed and held me while I sobbed. This was hard. Why was this so hard? I was coming to terms with the fact that I may not get my herd of children. All I want is 4. That number didn't seem so big to me. Now it seems daunting.  I don't know if I can go through this every time. Heston took almost 2 years and a miscarriage. I wanted him to have a sibling close in age, within two years. I'm trying to let go of that dream. Now I'm just hoping they're within 3 years.
I have a 15% chance of having an ectopic in the future.
2 months ago, when told there was a 15% chance I had twins, I laughed. 15% is so small. It's nothing. Besides, twins would be a huge blessing.
the odds of having a first ectopic pregnancy are a half percent. .5%.
Now I have a 15% chance of Twins, and a 15% chance of Ectopic. Also, Twins increase your odds of having an ectopic. 15% seems much much larger.
I'm focusing on the positive, well, I'm trying to. I got to keep my Fallopian tube, according to the doctor, that's a miracle right there. I am recovering very quickly. I have so many people who have checked up on me in person, over the phone, by sending food, by texting, or through Casey. My work has been insanely understanding. I have the most amazing little boy, some people don't even get one.  And I have Casey. Even after sobbing Casey had me laughing within 10 minutes. He gets me. He loves me. and as he frequently reminds me, he doesn't love me for my ability to have children. He even accepts my current emotional state. Every time I hear a story about siblings, I cry. I cried during the Incredibles. I don't cry. Crying makes me angry.
I'm going to be just fine. I just may have to re-evaluate where I see my future. But, my life is amazing, and I recognize that fact, even through my pain. I have them.

I'm going to be just fine.