I've gone back and forth on whether I'm going to write this post. I've thought that I could just do an update post on our lives... Or I've been thinking about first impressions a lot lately and that could be a fun post! But, I've never been good at keeping my mouth shut so until I get this out it'll just pester me.
Let me preface this by saying that I DO KNOW and I firmly believe that we CHOOSE how to react to situations. We can choose to be offended or we can choose to not. I also know that everyone is different and lumping everyone together isn't fair. In every group there are jerks and there are wonderful people. With that said I'm going to share a personal experience:
When we closed on our house the people living there asked if they could stay an extra week or two because they didn't have a place to live yet. Casey told them that they were welcome to stay but since we had taken over the mortgage they had to pay rent. They told us no and we could tell they were upset but they were out the next day (when the house became ours).
We moved in, and I was a little surprised that no one in the neighborhood offered to help, but hey, there were a LOT of little kids around so I knew everyone must just be busy and we had family help so we were good. Our first week of church I knew I'd have to go out of my way and introduce myself so that I could make friends. I was ready for that. I introduced myself to 3 people that day and all of them said "Hi, nice to meet you." and turned to talk to someone else. No one introduced themselves to me. Again, I was kind of shocked but figured, well, there really are a lot of kids, everyone's pretty darn busy I'll try again next week. We did have One family invite us to dinner (the stake pres. and his wife, and they were really nice).
We went pretty diligently for a while and didn't have people talk to us. It became harder and harder to go. We moved in in May. In October we had new neighbors move in. We were chatting with them about the ward and I said, "it just doesn't seem like people like us. But I'm not sure why." They then realized who we were and told us about how they'd heard about us and how we "kicked out the people who lived their before us". They'd heard about us?! what?! My feelings really were kind of hurt. I have never been accused of being straight up mean. Yes, I've been a brat before but in this case I wasn't sure we deserved the rumors.
We got our first "welcome to the neighborhood" gift 6 months after we moved in. To be fair, I haven't taken any one new a welcome to the neighborhood gift. But it did hurt that no one would talk to us until they found out I was pregnant. By then Casey held a pretty good grudge (he's a grudge holder. you have been warmed.) and we were basically inactive. Now every time we go we get the "oh! you're here! we haven't seen you! it's so great to see you!" oy. who are you again?
Alright, that was a stupid rant. My point is that at this point I feel like a number. I feel like a name on the inactive list. I go to church because church makes me feel good. I don't go to church to be judged. And in all honesty I'm fine. Yes it hurt, but I'm not a very good grudge holder. I'm over it. Being mad and remembering why is too much work. I'm too lazy for that. However I've seen a lot of hurt from those around me lately.
My heart hurts for the man who is judged every time he goes to church because he doesn't go enough and do enough. The same man who holds more guilt in his heart than anybody could ever know.
My heart hurts for the expectant mother who can't take depression medication. Who's therapist recommended green tea but was told by her bishop that that would get her temple recommend taken away.
My heart hurts for the Mother who's ward tells her over and over that she's not doing enough even though her perfectionist notions are causing an anxiety level that's about to make her crack.
My heart hurts for the man who stops going to church because if that is how Mormons act he wants no part in it.
My heart hurts each time one of my friends says "all Mormons are judgemental" but "you don't count because you're not like them." THEN NOT ALL MORMONS ARE JUDGEMENTAL. The sad truth is, in Utah, the majority seem to be.
I had a visiting teacher who was absolutely SHOCKED that some of our best friends are anti-religion and strongly dislike the Mormon church. She didn't understand how we could associate with people who's beliefs were so different. here's the answer: Because they are great people. It's that simple. They have been there for us through a lot and I know without a doubt that they would drop everything to help us out.
I'm begging for all of my Mormon friends to STOP TRYING TO CONVERT FIRST AND LOVE LATER.
And I'm not talking about the "we love everybody because we're all God's children" kind of love. I'm talking about really loving them. Love Sister Smith for her ability to quote any movie. Love Brother Johnson for his intelligence about the Vietnam War. You have to KNOW them, and I mean REALLY KNOW THEM before you can love them. And once you love them, feel free to convert them. Next time you see someone at church who doesn't go very often, say hi and make an effort to talk. Please don't do it to convert them. Do it because you want to get to know them. Be willing to make new friends.
Don't judge
stop judging.
I know this message has been everywhere lately but I need to say it again. Please stop judging. You are hurting this beautiful gospel.
Alright. I'm down off of my soap box. I apologize for climbing up so high. I also apologize because this was way longer than it was supposed to be. Now I just need to convince myself to publish this.... maybe it'll just sit here forever.......
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33 comments:
You hit it right on the head Leslie. Thanks for stepping up :)
I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's happened to me (with a different situation) a few times. You are a very wise person. And its amazing isn't it how people in our religion can have non Mormon friends :)
That is so ridiculous that you had to experience that les.. I kinda feel a bit that way now.. We moved in with my dad for a few months and I'm a butt but really don't wanna get a calling and involved with all these people I won't see again in a few months when our name comes up on the waiting list for the apartment we want... I feel we are judged for wanting to just go to sacrament and not get too involved. I love you Leslie, I always have since high school though we've lost touch.. Hope things look up for you and the situation you are in...
Leslie,
You are amazing. You, along with your family, are some of the very least judgmental people I've ever met.
I hate that people judged you before they knew you. If they had given you five minutes they would have loved you as much as anyone who knows you loves you... because really, what's not to love?
Since I first met you when you were just 13 I have always been impressed with how much you think for yourself. How you look at people just as people, and want to get to know them for who they are. I love that about you.
This post was amazing.
Amazing post Leslie! Thanks for sharing. Love ya girl!
My first time living in Utah [surrounded by so many members], I experienced the same sort of disillusionment.
And I confess: I judged people for being what I thought [and still believe] is cruel, callous, closed-minded, petty, cliquish, and proud.
It dawned on me some time later, as I was reading some BoM scriptures- that Israel has a history of being this way. It's seems that's our group-addiction/affliction. And God doesn't let His Church get away with it. He's called us an unfaithful woman in the psat, one who is prideful.
Just know this: we ain't all that way. And some of us [like me, I suppose], know we get that way and shouldn't.
I miss President Hinckley's counsel to take care of each other. We forget, we get nasty, and we revel in group sin.
So you might not remember me but we went to school together. This showed up on my facebook feed because some friends had commented on it. I appreciated everything you wrote and know exactly how you felt. I grew up in that environment and I can't tell you how much it affected me. When I was younger it got to a point where certain families wouldn't let me play with their kids because I wasn't LDS. I was judged simply because of that. I'm glad you wrote this because maybe it will encourage others to reach out and be more accepting.
I hope this goes viral and gets around. Not in Utah but my inactive father has been going to a weeknight class for Gospel Doctrine since fall. Only a few people have gone up to say hi because they knew me when I lived in that ward. Week after week he shows up and nobody talks to him. It breaks my heart. My family are converts, I joined first and my parents after me. I have been in my new ward 4 years now and not one soul calls me except my 1 friend and my visiting teacher. I have tried reaching out but after years of no reciprocation you just kind of give up and stop trying. So sorry you had such a sad experience too. There are many of us out here who do try to love others for themselves regardless of choices. Thank you for speaking out for those who feel they have lost their voice.
Wow! thanks Ya'll! you guys are so kind! and it's great to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I just wish I was better and I would be that person who got to know ya'll better so you didn't have to feel like that too. Thanks for Sharing! You guys are amazing!
Such an awesome blog, Leslie! ! I agree, members can be the most difficult about judging. Christ loved people for being his brothers and sisters. .... that's the example you exemplify, Thank you!!! We all need to follow that.
Such an awesome blog, Leslie! ! I agree, members can be the most difficult about judging. Christ loved people for being his brothers and sisters. .... that's the example you exemplify, Thank you!!! We all need to follow that.
WTG... I would say Good Grief to those people of judgmental... We are not suppose to be judgmental because God is the only who he will judge us. Yes, we make mistakes and learn and move on.
I completely agree. I feel really judged in the ward my husband and I are in now and so it's really hard to go. But we go anyway and will be moving soon. I also feel bad when I hear people say, "All Mormons are like this" and then they look at you and say, "But not you. You're a different Mormon." Or things like, "Mormons are so judgmental." Not all Mormons are judgmental, and that's not a Mormon thing, that's a human thing. Everyone is judgmental about some things, and yes, we need to be better about it, but no one can expect people to be perfect. I have so many friends who aren't Mormons and I don't care. If they're great people, they're people I want in my life.
I agree with some of what you said, it makes me sad you and others have had these kinds of experiences, it sounds like all of us can work on ourselves, and even as you are trying to sound "nonjudgmental" I believe you fell a little into that category yourself... This is a hard thing, we are told over and over, the gospel is perfect, the people aren't...and that, I agree with 100%. I believe your post was done with good intentions, and that is commendable. I am glad you have been able to stay strong even having negative experiences as you have. Hopefully we are all able to take away something meaningful from what you have shared...
It's a bingo!!!
Do not judge those that have not brought gifts or who do not say hello in the halls or do not invite you to dinner. I have learned by moving in a new area that if you want friends, you have to invite people over to your house for play dates and for dinner nights. That is the only way people make new friends. I don't think it has anything to do with the Church or the people that attend. It is predominately Human nature to be reclusive and not leave your comfort zone. You just have to go out of ~your~ way instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you. In Vegas I barely had any friends and I waited around for people to invite me and I saw them always doing things together. They were nice but I didn't have that close time to really get to know them. Moving to a different state I just initiated play dates and group game nights and girls night out and book club and I feel so connected.
Also, I was called judgmental for years because of my religion and it was nothing other than a judgement. It was not true and was harsh against me, because I loved them and just because I chose not to live my life like them they suddenly thought that I looked down on them, and I didn't.
Thanks for the reminder, Leslie! We all need to do better! If we are truly Christ's disciples, we need to act like it.
Love you Les. I always love reading your posts. You need to blog more often! :)
Thank you! I cannot say it enough. As a former Mormon, it helps to see that you live by the love first and always rule. =)
A friend posted this on fb, and I am so glad I read it, you share a very enlightening perspective and gave a lot of great reminders. It was very well said and completely from the heart and I really believe (and pray!) that you will touch a lot of people by your words. Thanks for sharing!
I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with that ward. I've found that in many wards, they seem cold and stand-offish until I get to know them better.
My only comment is about your thought, "My heart hurts for the man who stops going to church because if that is how Mormons act he wants no part in it." Mark 2:17 says, "When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
Church is a hospital for the spiritually ill. If it were a place for the perfect, nobody would be there. Can't we all just cut each other some slack when we're at church and realize that we're all imperfect? Can't we choose to help each other on the journey? Can't we go to church because we love the gospel and its teachings, instead of because of what other people do?
Yes, we are supposed to be loving and kind and Christlike. But for goodness' sake, we are all so far from perfect. Cut them some slack.
I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with that ward. I've found that in many wards, they seem cold and stand-offish until I get to know them better.
My only comment is about your thought, "My heart hurts for the man who stops going to church because if that is how Mormons act he wants no part in it." Mark 2:17 says, "When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
Church is a hospital for the spiritually ill. If it were a place for the perfect, nobody would be there. Can't we all just cut each other some slack when we're at church and realize that we're all imperfect? Can't we choose to help each other on the journey? Can't we go to church because we love the gospel and its teachings, instead of because of what other people do?
Yes, we are supposed to be loving and kind and Christlike. But for goodness' sake, we are all so far from perfect. Cut them some slack.
I can say I've been on both sides of this fence. I was raised LDS in Utah. When I turned 18 and went away to school I no longer had my parents forcing me to go to church so I quit and the majority of the plethora of reasons I gave for not going was because of the huge, but mostly little, hypocrisies of which everyone guilty.
I see in this situation, a family that was moving out of a neighborhood and ward, they were well liked and well known. They asked for you to be willing to extend a bit of that generosity of heart that you have subsequently lectured upon. Your response was to say, sure you can stay, but only if you pay us. Strictly speaking was that fair, yes, absolutely. But was it generous, kind, charitable, loving? No. If moving into a motel and a storage unit was easily afforded, perhaps they would have done it without even asking for a grace period from you to get themselves situation. But since they found that you were unwilling to extend that grace period, that charity, that generosity of heart. Had proverbially slapped them in the face, I can see how they would choose to pay money to stay in a motel rather than rent the house for a week or two. I can see how they would have felt "kicked out" and how their friends and neighbors would also have that perception.
Then you went to church and expected these same neighbors to extend that brotherly love and arm of fellowship to you, when you had so blatantly refused such kindness, generosity and charity of heart to people that they all had a personal connection to. Objectively speaking, they still should have been kind and welcoming. Christ never said, be kind to everyone and loving with them, except if they are rude to you or someone you know. His admonition allowed no exceptions. So, is it okay that they gave you the cold shoulder, no, but despite being LDS, they are also human and humans are not always great at getting over things like their friends getting snubbed.
But here is the bottom line. And it took me 10 years of inactivity and even attending other churches for me to figure this out. The Gospel of Christ has absolutely nothing to do with what the Smith's down the street do or don't do. It has everything to do with whether or not you are obedient. You can only control yourself. And if you cut yourself off from the Church and the Gospel because people are people and they will generally behave by the dictates of human nature, which is not always great. That is going to be like drinking poison and expecting the person you are angry with to get sick from it.
Now, having come back to the church after 10 years of inactivity, I'm in the Relief Society presidency. And looking at it from the other side now, I can say, if you've got a problem with the way things are going in your ward, if you think that people should be less judgmental, instead of lecturing about how things need to change, you need to start being that change. I get calls all the time from people complaining about various issues they have with other ward people. And when I ask them what they have done to try to resolve the problem, the general answer is that they are calling me to fix it. Yes, I will try to address whatever the problem is, but we need to stop passing on the responsibility of fixing the problem to someone else and making ourselves the first line of defense in fixing the problems that we encounter. You need to be the source of the change you see needs to happen because you are the only one you can control.
I am guessing this comment will be deleted because it is not resoundingly supportive of the author, as I've seen that many comments have been deleted and the only ones remaining are those which are expressing complete agreement and support, but that is okay, even if only Leslie reads this, that is enough.
Thank you for writing about this. I have the same thoughts and feelings about this issue and I've never really been able to say it as well as you just did. Thank you for getting this out there. It's much appreciated!
Thanks Ya'll for reading! I'm honored that you think it was worth your time! And I'm sorry if any of you have had your feelings hurt in this way. I hope I will never be that person.
To "Unknown" I totally and fully agree with everything you've said. (and I won't delete it. I haven't deleted any... I don't think I know how... :S ) I actually didn't know this blog post would be a big deal... I usually have 20 readers... so it wasn't detailed or edited. (sorry about that everyone...) I moved into my house 4 years ago. I've met some great people since then and even talked to many of them about what happened. I'm over it. Yes it hurt. but I get it. I have said multiple times that if I see this problem then I should start being the change ("be the change you whish to seen in the world" and all that jazz) I won't comment on everything you've said because, well, I should probably be working, but I will say this: The Church is true. The people are flawed. The church has saved me and so have the people. but we're all human. We're all broke and can't afford to pay rent, we're all judgemental, and we all can do better. However, I think I'll focus on what I can do better before I focus on what others can do. Thanks For sharing your feeling!
I live in California and I find it strange that the people you bought the house from would expect you to let them stay in the house rent-free! You probably did not even know these people. They could have tried to keep staying longer until they got their living situation figured out. That is just standard procedure out here to pay rent if you want to stay in the house longer. I think it's ridiculous that this whole thing got blown out of proportion and affected you this way!
I can't tell from your blog where you live Leslie, but I don't think you would get this kind of ignoring in the middle of our country. I have lived in California, Utah, Colorado, and Iowa. I have traveled to and attended wards in Oregon, rural Arkansas, Kansas City, Nauvoo, Chicago. There was a major difference in treatment to my family between places high in LDS population vs. placed low in LDS. In those locations low in LDS the LDS need each other more, they are not as affluent, and hardships due to weather make more people noticing of others out here. I have never been treated poorly in any ward outside of California and Utah, although I have also had some great experiences with wards in Utah and California, as well. It's just that in the Midwest, we were treated as family on day one, hands extended, hugs given, exuberant hellos. We need each other out here, having no family nearby, most of us being transplants, and even our non-LDS friends are just as welcoming. DH and I put the stakes on our new lot to a house we are building and our neighbors, noticing us hammering in the stakes came to introduce themselves. When we moved into our "while we build our house" rental two years ago, we had five families stop by to say hi. Maybe we should be disgruntled with the society that makes your local LDS friends apathetic. Keep being friendly. They need your example, and sorry you were treated poorly. It's a lonely feeling.
A couple of things:
1. I'm sorry. Sad to go through that. I wish I could say that it was an isolated experience, but I've heard of stuff like this happening in many instances.
2. It's not just Utah. We Mormons tend to hold other Mormons to a pretty high standard and we often fail. Also, some Mormons actually suck.
3. We are given conflicting information about judgment. We're told not to judge people but we're also told to stand in holy places - requiring judgment. We're counseled to love and embrace all, but we're advised to associate with good people who will be good influences.
I think people tend to err on the side of judging too much. It's not always a bad thing, but when it comes to having charity, we rarely have enough - and that's when it definitely is a problem.
4. The lessons we get most often in church are those about loving and serving those around us. Proof that the church knows we need this lesson the most.
5. As bad as it hurts, you need to make sure that nobody's bad behavior takes away what your soul needs.
While there will certainly be d-bags at church who treat others negatively because of inappropriate judgment, there are also always people who just aren't being good at making the effort to reach out. Hopefully you will find the good ones soon. Churches all need more people who see clearly and act in a Christ-like way.
Good luck. :)
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