It's a.... BOY!!!!

It's a boy!!!! It's happening!

Yes, I realize this is a terrible picture but the little turd was upside down and curled into a ball... He didn't want to wake up... he gets that from his parents. :) 

 I figure since I've posted about all of the terribly depressing parts about trying to have a baby that it's time to post about it happening! So here's the short version:

The Clomid wasn't working so the doctor put me on Femara. Femara was... interesting. As the pharmacist explained it, I was menopausal for 1 week each month and then had a rush of hormones. I think I had a harder time with the hormone rush... I can handle hot flashes but hormones cause weird emotions. If Femara didn't work in 3 months, my next step would be a fertility specialist.

At the same time, Casey started working in Wyoming... It's hard to procreate when the hubby is only home 2 days a week... I was on my last month of Femara and we'd decided if it didn't work we would just take a short break until Casey was done working out of town. I'll save you from the details but, it worked!!!! I took a test before Casey headed back out of town and it was positive!! Which meant I had to immediately start getting blood tests and start doing Progesterone shots.

The shots weren't too bad but they were high enough on my hip/back that I couldn't do them myself. With Casey gone I had to have a friend at work do them (thanks Nanette!!! Sorry for bleeding on your carpet!) and Casey did them on the weekends. At first, they hated it more than I did. They really weren't that bad... until they were. After two weeks, I broke out in a rash covering the injection sites on both sides. For the rest of the time we had to try to do the shots around the rash... it was painful. And itchy. I tried doing it in my thigh a few times but unless I spent at least 5 minutes working my leg afterwards it would just stiffen up too bad because of the thickness of the progesterone oil. And here we are 3 weeks after stopping the shots and my back is still not all the way cleared up. But it was TOTALLY worth it.

I may have gotten bored and curious one day. It was a lot of needles. And as you can see, they weren't the little kind! 

I had my first ultrasound around 6 weeks and found that the baby was not in my tubes! yay! a uterus baby! so then we did another ultrasound at 8 weeks and... there was a heartbeat!!!! yay! from there I went back to the doctor either every week or every 2 weeks until I was at 13 weeks when I officially stopped the shots. We went in on the 23rd for a gender check and... It's a BOY!!!

Funny story; when I told Heston there was a baby in my tummy he looked at me for a few seconds and said "mom, you ate a baby?!"

When he saw the ultrasound pictures and I showed him the baby he said "is it in this water?"
 I just shrugged and said "yeah, kind of.... it's yucky water. but it'll stay in there until it grows big enough to come out."
He replied "Then it goes down the waterslide to come out!!"
... Ummm.."yep..."

Anyway, I'm due on July 5, Casey is finally back in town, and I'm finally getting some of my energy back! things are going amazing and I honestly couldn't be more excited! :) thank you to everyone who reached out and supported us during all of this. You're all amazing!

Lucy

Do you ever wish you could go home?
I do.
I don't mean the wonderful home I've created with my perfect husband and son. I mean the home that comes to mind when I smell popcorn and chocolate chip cookies, when I feel the cold night air and see the stars. I'm back at my home in Pleasant Grove, laying on the tramp, wrapped in my wubby (blanket), staring at the stars and thinking about exactly where I'm going to end up. A big family was always part of that dream.
Sometimes I want to go home.
I'm crying as I write this so forgive my nonsense.
I was supposed to start my chlomid again. I was kind of dreading it actually. I was enjoying not counting days and having lots of sex just for the sake of sex. But I want a baby. I want a sibling for my sweet boy.
My period never came. I was a week late. So before I called my doctor I figured I should take a test. It was positive. POSITIVE?! for the first time in 3 years we weren't even trying! How was it possible?! it must have been meant to be. I will admit I was a little freaked out. I barely spoke all day and I accidentally put too much pressure holding Casey's hand and he lost feeling in his fingers...
This pregnancy was different. It was so different. All of them have been just like Heston. This one was the complete opposite. My emotions were all over the place.
We weren't event trying! It must be meant to be.
I'm high risk for ectopic pregnancy because of what happened last year so I was getting a lot of blood tests done. My levels were a little low so they got me in for an ultrasound right away.
It wasn't in my tubes! it was in my uterus!! Victory!
My levels were still a little low so they wanted to get me in at 8 weeks for another ultrasound.
I was so nervous. But after making it past six weeks, I stopped worrying so much. I was letting myself hope. I'd always miscarried before 6 weeks. I tried to hold back my excitement. And I really think I did manage to hold back a lot of it.
Still, we thought it was a girl. We thought Casey was going to get his little girl. It was going to be a girl.
There was no heartbeat. everything looked great. but there was no heartbeat.
No heartbeat.
They wanted me back a week later. At this point I was almost 10 weeks. The baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks.
No heartbeat.
I think every single person I talked to asked me what number of pregnancy this was and if I'd ever miscarried before. "This is my fifth. 2 miscarriages, 1 ectopic, and our little miracle."
"This is my fifth."
My fifth.
So much for being meant to be.
I could go off of the progesterone and eventually miscarry on my own, it would be painful and last about a week.
I could take a pill that would make me miscarry. It would hurt more but only last a few days.
I could do and D and C. A surgery that takes about 15 minutes where they dilate you and clean everything out. You're good to go the next day.
I didn't want to put my life on hold and mope for another week.
I didn't want medical bills to make me more bitter.
I wanted it to be over.
I didn't want to fall asleep and wake up and have it over.
I wanted closure.
I wanted to feel the pain.
I wrapped up my work week and took the pill.
It wasn't that bad. Casey held me through the worst of the pain and I only puked once and then it was over. The baby was gone.
The cramps are still there and they can get strong but nothing ibuprofen can't fix.
Can you tell I'm having a pity party? Today is the last day. Today I mourn. Tomorrow I move on.
God has patched my hurting heart. We're good and I'm loved.
Casey. Casey is my rock. Casey has kept me with an unlimited supply of popcorn. He holds me and loves me in spite of my bum uterus. He never makes me feel broken. He is the reason that I'm okay. While I've been worthless he's cleaned the entire house, kept me and Heston fed, kept us both happy and smiling, and accepted everything. I don't know what I'd do without my Moon. He knows exactly when I need to be held, when I just need sleep, when I need Heston to cuddle me and make me smile. He listened to me. to every disgusting detail.
Heston. That boy is amazing. If he saw the pain in my face he'd lay his hand on my arm and say "mom sick?". He is definitely his daddy's boy. He helped clean the house and do yard work. He loves helping us. He is the best.
I have an amazing support system. we have so much love sent our way.
Work has been amazing. The few who know are very supportive and caring. Work takes my mind off of things. When I put my work face on, it's exhausting, but it's a great distraction.
On my way home from the doctors, after they couldn't find a heartbeat, one of my favorite Skillet songs came on. Lucy.

It's been so long since I've written on my blog. but it helps me process. And more than that, I had people reach out to me because of my last post. I'm so grateful for those people who have let me know I'm not alone. Even when I don't feel like talking, it means so much that they've reached out. That they care. I want them to know, I care about you too. I hurt with you. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It shouldn't be this hard and you're right it's not fair.

October

It's been a very very long time since I've blogged... But, as always, when I get stressed, I want to write it down. I need to purge it. So here it goes. 

October has sucked. I need October to be over. In my mind, everything will be fine once October is over. I've always believed that whatever vibe you put out into the universe is the vibe you get back. So of course because I was already not looking forward to October it decided to give me an extra little kick. 

October 24th was my due date (see here for previous post). I remember this because it's Danielle's birthday (love you Dani!). I would have had the baby some time in October. The ectopic was sad. It was hard. I told multiple people that I just don't know if I can do an ectopic or miscarriage again.

I'd been on Clomid for 4 months and that's as long as my doctor wanted me on it before I took a break. It was month 4 and I was tired. I was tired of the emotional toll. I was tired of getting sad and tired of getting my hopes up and tired of out of control emotions. I was tired of worrying about catching a pregnancy early because it could be ectopic. I was ready for a break. 

I took my last dose of Clomid and I had a carefree month. I wasn't worried about getting pregnant, odds seemed to be against me. I told myself that, hey, at least I didn't have to worry about it being ectopic. And I REALLY enjoyed my time with Heston. We wrestled and he jumped on me and we played on the tramp and we wrestled with cousins. I stopped worrying about lifting too much or getting hit in the stomach. I stopped tracking every. freaking. time. we had sex. I had a great month. 

Then the freaking stick gave me 2 lines. Positive. All of the worry came flooding back. But it wasn't positive after 3 minutes (the allotted time) it was positive after 5. That was a Sunday.

So the next day I took another; negative. I cried. 

Wednesday I took another; Negative. 

Wednesday afternoon I called the doctor for a consult. I just wanted to let them know I'd reached the end of my prescription and wanted to confirm that I had to take a break at that point. She said, "OK, so you're on your period now?"... uhh.. well no. So I told her about my week and said so it must have just been a false positive. The doctor wanted me to get a blood test anyway. So that night after work I got a blood test.

Thursday morning the doctors office called me. It was positive. But my levels were low. They worried it was another Ectopic. I was to go back for another blood test on Tuesday. I called Casey... mildly panicked. I was shaking and nervous. He was calm and perfect (per-usual). 

2 hours later I started spotting. I knew. I knew what this meant. I was a miscarrying. I started crying at work (embarrassing) and left. I called Casey in tears and told him I was going home. He said he'd meet me there. I called the doctor's office. They also thought I was miscarrying but were hopeful I wasn't and put me on "Pelvic Rest". I sobbed. I broke down. When Casey got home 20 minutes after I did I was numb. He tried to get me to eat and then he took me to bed and we cuddled. 

Then the cramping started. It hurt. Not ectopic bad but to the point that drugs only dulled it. Last time I miscarried it was just like a normal period. This sucked. 

But you know what? I survived. I had said multiple times that "I don't think I'll be able to do it again. I just don't think I'd be okay." Well, Casey still made me laugh, Heston still made my heart warm, and my dogs still drove me crazy with their love. Life went on. Smiling was harder. Casey was the only thing that made things better... I became a bit clingy... I wanted to be with him all the time and touching him all the time. I'm not that type of person so I quickly got myself out of that. I still have my Fallopian tube and I can get pregnant. 

The next Weekend we had my parents watch Heston so we could have a hot date night. I puked ALL NIGHT. 20 minutes after we left my parents house it started. It made for a super sexy date night.

Our stove broke. The front just fell right off. 

Our car broke down (on my "due date", October 24th). We now have a new car. 

Is October over yet???? 

On the plus side, on October 24th, her birthday, Dani got engaged! so that was awesome! and even though I had to work a Saturday, the Scholarship Ball went well and we only had one crazy thing happen. I did have Governor Herbert's security guard kill a monster spider for me though. 

For the next 3 months I'm taking a break from fertility. November is going to be amazing. I'm almost sure of it. 

Life Boosting Guilty Pleasures

Wow, I really need to blog more. At least if my previous post is so depressing! So as you know I had a rough couple of weeks. First, I just want to say that I am surrounded by the most amazing people in the world. we had so SO much love sent our way. I love you all and thanks for the many many kind words and willingness to talk! I know I didn't really take anyone up on it... I wasn't ready. But, I swear I could feel the kind thoughts and prayers being sent our way. It helped me cope. Another thing that helped me cope was Heston. I became that Mom who thinks her kid is the greatest/funniest/bestest thing in the wide world. He is really cute, but I recognize that I was coping. Also, when times get hard, I like to "get away". We all know that I read. Obviously I read A LOT. But man did I indulge in a lot of guilty pleasures while I was down. Here they are:

• TEEN WOLF- I can hear your judgment. stop it! I seriously love this show. I'm also seriously embarrassed about my love for this show. But come on, hot men, action, werewolves and drama (but not too much drama. not like Vampire diaries. yuck)? I don't really see a downside.
• PUDDING-  Yum. Vanilla or Tapioca. But don't eat tapioca pudding from a hospital. ew.
• SWEATS- I don't feel to guilty about this one except some of my favorite sweats are SERIOUSLY  hideous. They have ankle elastic. and are a 2XL. Sexy.
• YA ROMANCE- yup. also embarrassed about this one. but nothing takes your mind off of your problems like college student drama.
• A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD-  I've seen it at least 6 times... Jai Courtney and Bruce Willis?! yummy! and you just can't beat John McClain's one-liners.

• SPOONING THE DOG- yeah... you read that right. Skills and Moose love me.
• LISTENING TO REALLY LOUD MUSIC- it doesn't matter what I'm listening to, it just has to be LOUD.  I had a friend mock me for "Let It Go". she could hear it from her front door... my windows were up...
• DRIVING WITH MY WINDOW DOWN- Yay for warm weather! I stick my hair on top of my head and enjoy the breeze.
• COMBINING THE LAST TWO- Window's down AND listening to really loud music... sigh... can life get any better? I'm sorry to those who have heard me singing (yelling) along to Les Mis./Skillet/Garth/Whatever else I've been binging on.

Alright that's enough of that. At least now my last post is slightly hidden!

Ectopic (*Warning*: some graphic content)

I haven't been sleeping. I'm hoping if I get some feelings out. I'll sleep and my mind will shut up.
Saturday, Two weeks ago, after a year on fertility meds, I got two pink lines. I didn't believe it. I didn't want to get my hopes up. So the next day I did another one. A few days later I did another one. finally by Tuesday I was starting to believe, starting to get excited. After all, I had proof. I even took a picture of

Every.

Single.

 One.

I was still trying to be reserved. But lets me honest I was already thinking about the new room decor and hoping it was a brother for Heston.
Thursday night I got a stomach ache. The stomach ache turned to cramping and by 8 o'clock I was in bed because the cramps were mildly severe. I wasn't too worried. I had some cramping with Heston that hurt too. But then the pain moved to my right hip. The pressure and cramping was so bad that by 10 o'clock I was throwing up. I'm still amazed that I made it to the toilet, I was basically delirious at this point. At 11:15 after throwing up some more, I started to spot. That's when I woke Casey up and told him it was time to go to the doctor. My fear of being a wuss was overshadowed by the fear that I would a miss a chance for the doctor to save my baby. I have never felt pain like that.
Casey woke Heston and off we went to the ER. It was the longest drive of my life. The ER check in, after hearing that it was my hip that hurt, kept asking me if I'd "had a fall" I can't even count how many times they asked me that. Followed by "are you sure?". Luckily the pain masked my sarcasm as I answered. 20 minutes later  they hooked me to an IV and got Morphine in me. This numbed the pain so I wasn't writhing but I still wasn't comfortable. Then we sat. And sat some more.

Heston is the best kid in the world. He had been Diagnosed with Croup earlier that day. He never cried, never whined, and just sat happily on Casey's lap.
They then took me back for an ultrasound. I won't go into detail about this because you wouldn't enjoy it. All I'll say is, Ouch. This did not help the pain. This accentuated every bit of pressure I was already feeling. The ultrasound tech had said that he would give the results to the Doctor, however when he called someone in the middle that was my first red flag. Then, between groans and gritting my teeth, I could hear some of his whispered words "urgent.... Obstruction..." As we were leaving they said they'd get the images printed and the doctor would be in in a half-hour to 45 minutes.
I asked for water and they said "we can't give you any, just in case you need surgery" That was red-flag #2. Casey was quick to reassure me that it was just a precaution and I wouldn't need surgery. To which I responded. "I hope it's not an ectopic pregnancy. Those have always scared me."
The nurse came in to my room as soon as we got back and said "the doctor told me you may need more morphine, lets get you a little more comfortable." This was red flag #3. My pain was dulled to a point where  only a flair up made me cringe.
The doctor came in at 3 and said the dreaded words "it looks like it's a tubal pregnancy" I managed to stay logical as he explained it could be just a cyst that had burst. I was so early in my pregnancy, 5 weeks, that my tube shouldn't have burst, I shouldn't be in pain yet. So he recommended exploratory surgery. fine. After he left I let myself cry for about a minute before I shook it off because  I was making the nurse who came to get my personal info uncomfortable. Casey held my hand the whole time. I was so sick of answering the question "How many pregnancies is  this for you?". Answer; "3. One miscarriage, my little boy, and now this." That sentence is forever on repeat in my head.
This is going on too long so here's the short version: I went in to surgery at 4. at 5:30 they went to the waiting room and told Casey my tube hadn't burst, it had pushed out the pregnancy and the pain was coming from blood and blood clots on my pelvis. they sucked it all out. they then gave Casey 3 options:
1- give me a shot of methotrexate and flush everything out of my system. However, there was fluid in my uterus that was possibly a second fetus. If it was, that would go too.
2- Remove my Fallopian tube. This would be the safest bet.
3- Wait a few days and test to see if my HCG levels rose. this would tell us if I was pregnant in either my uterus OR my tube. If they went up I'd have to be closely monitored. If they went down then I could get the shot. This way covered my bases but I was at risk of my tube rupturing.

They gave us pictures. The red thing is my "highly inflamed" fallopian tube

Casey chose option 3 and then worried for the next 3 days that it would rupture and his decision would kill me.
His choice was perfect. My levels went down and on Monday I received the Methotrexate shot. No big deal except in large doses its a Chemotherapy treatment and so I had to go to the IV Therapy place in the hospital in order to get it. Monday I was bitter and angry with all of the happy would be mothers at the doctors office. then I ended up in a waiting room with Cancer patients. That really slapped me back into perspective.
I was sick, puking, and cramping hard all day Tuesday. It sucked.
Thursday I called my regular OB to see if I needed to come in and when I could start my fertility meds again. They told me I couldn't even start to try for three months. ( I won't go in to detail on this but if you're reading this, and have questions, feel free to contact me.)
Three months.
It's already been a year of every month hoping and being let down. Three months isn't a long time. I know that. It feels like a lifetime.
I cried. I sobbed. That's how Casey found me. He climbed in to bed and held me while I sobbed. This was hard. Why was this so hard? I was coming to terms with the fact that I may not get my herd of children. All I want is 4. That number didn't seem so big to me. Now it seems daunting.  I don't know if I can go through this every time. Heston took almost 2 years and a miscarriage. I wanted him to have a sibling close in age, within two years. I'm trying to let go of that dream. Now I'm just hoping they're within 3 years.
I have a 15% chance of having an ectopic in the future.
2 months ago, when told there was a 15% chance I had twins, I laughed. 15% is so small. It's nothing. Besides, twins would be a huge blessing.
the odds of having a first ectopic pregnancy are a half percent. .5%.
Now I have a 15% chance of Twins, and a 15% chance of Ectopic. Also, Twins increase your odds of having an ectopic. 15% seems much much larger.
I'm focusing on the positive, well, I'm trying to. I got to keep my Fallopian tube, according to the doctor, that's a miracle right there. I am recovering very quickly. I have so many people who have checked up on me in person, over the phone, by sending food, by texting, or through Casey. My work has been insanely understanding. I have the most amazing little boy, some people don't even get one.  And I have Casey. Even after sobbing Casey had me laughing within 10 minutes. He gets me. He loves me. and as he frequently reminds me, he doesn't love me for my ability to have children. He even accepts my current emotional state. Every time I hear a story about siblings, I cry. I cried during the Incredibles. I don't cry. Crying makes me angry.
I'm going to be just fine. I just may have to re-evaluate where I see my future. But, my life is amazing, and I recognize that fact, even through my pain. I have them.

I'm going to be just fine.

The Sad Debate

Earlier this week, Casey and I got in to another one of our debates. I was watching the Transformer movies (again) and I told Casey that Optimus's death scene in the second movie is one of the saddest death scenes ever. It could be because I have a mild crush on Optimus, but I don't think so. So then we started discussing sad death scenes. My list looked something like this (in no particular order):

• Optimus Prime (Transformers)
• Mufasa (Lion King)
• G-Baby (Hard Ball)
• Old Yeller

Casey made fun of the fact that 3 out of 4 of my sad death scenes didn't involve actual people...Casey's list looked like this:

• Lane Frost (8 seconds)

Yep. that's it. He loves that movie. And I'm not denying it's sad. But the sad part is when Tough is crying and "riding for Lane". sheesh. it gets me every time. But the death scene isn't the sad part.
We tossed around some others, Danny from Pearl Harbor, Heath Ledger in the Patriot, Marley in Marley and Me, I even mentioned Jack from Titanic and then we both laughed because we hate that movie.
Anyway, now I feel like I must be missing something. There's got to be a sad death scene that beats mine? right? Help me out folks what am I missing?

You Can't Stop Me

In general, I really don't care what people think about me. I'm totally content to wear my sweats to Olive Garden and Basketball shorts instead of a slip underneath my see-through skirt. I want to be liked by everyone but I want to be liked for the person that I am.
When Casey and I had been married for about two years we became friends with a couple who had been married for 21 years. She would brag about him all of the time and I thought it was adorable. I even told Casey how amazing I thought it was that they were so happy 21 years later even though they married because of a pregnancy. A few months later they were filing for divorce. I was talking to a mutual friend and she said, "that's the way it works. The ones who brag are usually over-compensating." ever since then I've noticed it. I've noticed that the people who brag about their spouse are usually having marital problems.
First, I'd like to applaud these people for trying to find the positives in their significant other even though things are hard.
Second, I'm curious as to why only those who are struggling are looking for those positives?
The next thing I've heard was from a co-worker. She said, "If one person in the marriage is talking about how happy they are, the odds are, that the other person just wants out." What??!! Why can't both people be happy? I went straight home and told Casey about it and said "does that mean you are secretly unhappy?!" He just laughed at me, hugged me, and told me he was the happy one so I must be the one who wanted out.

For some reason these statements terrified me. I'm not sure if I believed that bragging about Casey would cosmically jinx us and we'd start to have marital problems or if I believed that if I bragged about Casey other people would just think that we were having marital problems. I've recently decided that I don't care anymore. I will no longer be holding back in my bragging about Casey. I might disguise it as sarcasm (see my last post) but I'm going to say it. And, believe it or not, I actually have been holding back. Only my close friends know about the expensive presents that Casey buys me just because he loves me. They are the only ones who know that I frequently complain about how awesome Casey is because his awesomeness makes me look bad. He refuses to get me a Barnes and Noble gift card for every occasion and instead finds something special and unique (and usually more expensive than I'd like. like my nook. and my old nook. expensive, but my most prized possession). He continues to make dinner and do dishes almost every night. He holds me when I'm sad or sick and takes me to buy Caffeine when I'm tired.
I will brag about my husband. And I will like it. If it makes you want to punch me in the face with jealousy, I'm OK with that, because you should be jealous. You should also brag about your spouse. It's OK to tell me how awesome they are. It's OK to let people see the upside of marriage and not just hear about the disasters. The truth is, Marriage is the best thing that I've ever done. I refuse to continue to be embarrassed by the fact that by the time Friday rolls around, I miss spending all day with Casey. I like spending all day with him, I'm nerdy like that.
Our culture puts the emphasis on drama. I hope to emphasize my boring, peaceful, perfectly happy home. I hope my children know the piece that I feel because of my wonderful spouse. (And no, we most definitely aren't having marital problems.)